The Cough, The Sinus Infection and The Flu

The Cough: Greyson has had a cough for over a week now. We've been to the pediatrician's office and was told he has a cough. Thanks, that was totally worth my co-pay. We can't really do anything for it. I've been giving him spoonfuls of honey and having him drink so tea, but I don't think it has really helped. He's a kid with a cough, I'm hoping it is gone by the weekend.

The Sinus Infection: I have yet another awesome sinus infection. YAY! It's currently moved from just my head into my lungs. Well, upper respiratory is more what it is. Either way in addition to blowing my nose all the time I too have a delightful cough. Luckily I had ab OB appointment this week and they kindly wrote a prescription for the z-pack, my sinus infection killing drug of choice. I'm on day 2 and hopefully by the weekend I'll e much better too!

Also at the OB's appointment they determined that I was borderline anemic. I'm not suprised, I think that I always am, despite my high meat and spinach diet. At my next visit (in 2 weeks) they will check it again and possibly put me on iron. I'm sure being even slightly anemic isn't helping me stave off any illness.

The Flu: Michael contracted the flu this weekend. Not just a bad cold, but the honest to goodness flu. Influenza Type A to be exact. It hit on Saturday night, but Sunday evening he was a mess and by Monday we were getting him to a doctor. I've never seen him so sick. That night Greyson and I packed up and headed to Michael's parent's house to stay while Michael was still contegeous. Even though both Greyson and I got flu shots this year it still seemed safest to get away, especially since we were both sick already. Really, it wasn't so much about getting away (although that was part of it) as much as it was about leaving Michael to recover without the screams and squeals of a toddler waking him all the time. It was a good choice.

While Michael isn't 100% yet, or even 80% better he is still better and we are all back home tonight. Also, after this experience I think we are flu shot converts. This was the first year I had gotten one in at least the past 5 years, and I didn't have Greyson vaccinated for it last year. This year I just thought it was something we should do and I'm so glad we did. Michael will be getting his next year too. The flu is no fun at all.

So there you have it; The Cough, The Sinus Infection and The Flu. Three people, 3 different maladies - all under one roof at one time. I don't suggest it.

Truth Time

Some days I feel like I'm pretty good at this parent gig. I can get through my day, get meals on the table, keep Greyson happy and occupied and get 3 to 6 hours of jobby-job work in.

Then there are days where I call Michael at 5:45 leaving him messages like "You better be close to the house, because I can't take much more of this!".

Today fell into the later category. Greyson missed his morning nap and was an over-tired crank, even after his afternoon nap. Yes, he still takes 2 naps - after 16 months of him being a horrible napper he's finally napping twice a day for at least an hour each and I'm happily rolling with it.

Greyson has entered the terrible two's a little early. He's currently into throwing things, be it Cheerios or tantrums. He's mastered the art of going limp so I can't pick him up easily. He's testing me all the time. I say "don't touch the lamp" he looks at me and touches the lamp. We go to time out and then he goes right back to the lamp and touches a different part of it while watching me - we go back to time out. Over and over again!

I know this is just part of being the mom of a very strong-willed 18 month old, but some days it just gets the best of me.

And when it does, I pour myself a Cherry Coke, toss in a scoop of ice cream and a dash of vodka and thank the good lord that Michael finally came home from work.

Teething SUCKS!

Oh my gosh will these top teeth just come in?!
I can see the top of this horrible little tooth. This horrible little tooth, who is hurting my son. Greyson has been a hot, hot mess for days. He's taken to screaming...a lot...and only at night! It seems that during the day I can distract him with toys and "hey, look at this" fun stuff. At night it keeps waking him. So pretty much everyone is sleep deprived and cranky.

Teething - you are not my friend!

night of the living dead

For the past few nights Greyson has been awake and upset. Wednesday and Thursday I blamed on the vaccines, last night was just being mean. Nothing helped. Not eating, not being held, not laying by himself. He was a wreck and therefore I am a wreak - and so is M. We've been stumbling around like zombies trying to satiate the boy, with little luck, all night.
Greyson, sweet heart - this has got to stop.

Having a Sad Day...

Yesterday was a really good day so inevitably, today is a much harder day. I'm just having a sad day. Greyson going back on the cannula hurts, but what hurts more is that he had more spells and dips when I was holding him. It hurts my heart that today, my being with him was making it harder for him. What do you do as a mom when holding your child is harder on him? It's not supposed to work like that... Because I didn't know what else to do I put him in his bassinet and went home to cry and just let myself be sad.

I've been struggling with being sad since Greyson was born. Sad that my little man was so little and having trouble breathing. Sad that it was completely out of my hands, but still feeling guilty for not being able to keep him safe inside me longer. Sad because just a few more weeks or days inside would have made things so much easier on him. Sad because I missed his birth and that it was 70 hours after he was born before I could hold him. Sad because I still haven't nursed him. Because I didn't get to have him place on my chest right after he was born so we could bond. Sad because I'm worried we haven't bonded the way we are supposed to. I'm sad because I don't have him at home with me, so I feel like I'm living with double life. One when I'm with him and the other where I'm living this fake "pre-Greyson" life at home. It is so strange being a mother without your baby.

On our fridge I have magnetic letters spelling his name and how old he is. At first it made me happy, seeing him get older and better everyday. But today just makes me feel cheated out of 23 days with him. That's 23 days that he was away from me. 23 days that I don't get with him near me and 23 days less that I'll have before having to leave him again to go back to work. I'm sad because the social worker told me earlier this week that Greyson cannot go to day care for at least 6 months, preferably a year because babies as premature as he is are so much more susecptible to things. Not only shouldn't he go to day care, but we shouldn't take him to crowded places like malls or parties for that long either. I'm sad because I have no idea what we are going to do. Neither Michael nor I can quit our jobs, but I can't put him at risk either. I'm so sad because it shouldn't be this hard to be a good mom. All I ever, ever wanted to be was a mom and today I just feel so bad at it. Lost and bad at it.

I haven't let myself really be this sad since he was born - trying to be strong for my baby, but today I just can't be anymore. My heart hurts and I've been crying for the past hour (two hours) and right now it's the only thing I can do. I can't make my baby better. I can't get back those stolen 23 days or the countless more that are before us. I can't take back my stupid placenta previa - I am so mad that I developed that. I'm even more mad that even though in the textbooks I had the least severe type of previa it still got so bad so fast. I am mad that my body wouldn't stop bleeding. I'm mad that according to those textbooks I should have been able to carry him to term or at least much longer than I did. I'm mad that he had to be born at 29 weeks, that we couldn't hold out to 32 or even 30 weeks... I'm mad that my baby has to work so hard because of that. I'm mad that I've now watched my sweet Greyson's lips go blue more times than I want to think about. I'm mad because I can't do anything but pump and even that isn't going as well this week and it did last week. I'm mad because I can't make my baby better.

And I'm scared. I'm scared about what is going to happen. About figuring out how to keep him safe when he finally does get to come home. And I am scared for my little guy. I'm scared because one second he is rosy and cherub-like in my arms and the next moment his skin is dusty and sallow because he isn't getting enough oxygen. I'm sacred that it will keep happening. I'm scared that it will cause him problems down the road. I am so, so scared of losing him. I know that he is doing so much better than he was 23 days ago, but I don't think I've let out how scared for him I've been. I kept trying to only look at the positives, but really in the back of my head I've been so scared - bone scared.

Scared, sad and angry.

The NICU Rollercoaster

Having a baby in the NICU is the most stressful thing I've ever experienced. The ups and downs, the bleeping and bleating, the levels rising and falling. There is no such thing as constancy.

Preterm babies don't breathe regularly and they often have "spells" or apnea episodes. Greyson had a couple last night. He really hasn't had many, but the fact that he has had any freaks me out. I just want my little baby to breathe.

He has also had trouble keeping his blood gas levels where they want them. His CO2 levels are higher then they like to see. So he may be on the CPAP for awhile longer. We were hoping to get him off of that and on to the high-flow nasal cannula by today. I'm still hoping that by the end of the week they will move him off the CPAP. But whatever it takes to keep my baby breathing.

He is also having some residual food in his stomach after a feeding. He is getting 30ml every 3 hours and they only want 10% residuals. Yesterday he was having residuals of 14, 12 and 8. But then he had a big BM and his residuals dropped to 4 and then 3. So we think he was just "backed up". I'm glad it was an easy fix and that he took care of things on this own, but I hate worrying about all of this.

Having a baby in the NICU is stressful and can make a girl crazy.

Just like high school

Well not "just like" but still.

My acne is driving me up a wall. Seriously, the "glow of pregnancy" is really just the sheen of my oily, oily skin.

Also what is the point of having awesome cleavage if it is all broken out?! I am so ready for this part of the pregnancy to be over. What happened to that one mystical week when I had really nice skin? I miss you nice skin days.

Unholy

I almost threw up in church...again.
Last week it happened too.

This week I made it till after the Lord's Prayer before having to sneakily run out of the sanctuary and into the bathroom where I covered my face in soggy, scratchy paper towels and layed on the floor. And let me tell you that bathroom is not the greatest.

I never actually tossed my cookies, but I did miss communion. Something seems wrong when I actually make it to church but don't get communion.
Should I be worried about this? Are we in some kind of spirtual peril?

Really I think the problem is the crowded, warm building. The sitting up then standing up then sitting, then standing then knelling. Also I CAN NOT go 45 min without eating or drinking. So next week I'm packing some snacks and a water.

Seriously little bird, let me make it through mass!