Yesterday was a really good day so inevitably, today is a much harder day. I'm just having a sad day. Greyson going back on the cannula hurts, but what hurts more is that he had more spells and dips when I was holding him. It hurts my heart that today, my being with him was making it harder for him. What do you do as a mom when holding your child is harder on him? It's not supposed to work like that... Because I didn't know what else to do I put him in his bassinet and went home to cry and just let myself be sad.
I've been struggling with being sad since Greyson was born. Sad that my little man was so little and having trouble breathing. Sad that it was completely out of my hands, but still feeling guilty for not being able to keep him safe inside me longer. Sad because just a few more weeks or days inside would have made things so much easier on him. Sad because I missed his birth and that it was 70 hours after he was born before I could hold him. Sad because I still haven't nursed him. Because I didn't get to have him place on my chest right after he was born so we could bond. Sad because I'm worried we haven't bonded the way we are supposed to. I'm sad because I don't have him at home with me, so I feel like I'm living with double life. One when I'm with him and the other where I'm living this fake "pre-Greyson" life at home. It is so strange being a mother without your baby.
On our fridge I have magnetic letters spelling his name and how old he is. At first it made me happy, seeing him get older and better everyday. But today just makes me feel cheated out of 23 days with him. That's 23 days that he was away from me. 23 days that I don't get with him near me and 23 days less that I'll have before having to leave him again to go back to work. I'm sad because the social worker told me earlier this week that Greyson cannot go to day care for at least 6 months, preferably a year because babies as premature as he is are so much more susecptible to things. Not only shouldn't he go to day care, but we shouldn't take him to crowded places like malls or parties for that long either. I'm sad because I have no idea what we are going to do. Neither Michael nor I can quit our jobs, but I can't put him at risk either. I'm so sad because it shouldn't be this hard to be a good mom. All I ever, ever wanted to be was a mom and today I just feel so bad at it. Lost and bad at it.
I haven't let myself really be this sad since he was born - trying to be strong for my baby, but today I just can't be anymore. My heart hurts and I've been crying for the past hour (two hours) and right now it's the only thing I can do. I can't make my baby better. I can't get back those stolen 23 days or the countless more that are before us. I can't take back my stupid placenta previa - I am so mad that I developed that. I'm even more mad that even though in the textbooks I had the least severe type of previa it still got so bad so fast. I am mad that my body wouldn't stop bleeding. I'm mad that according to those textbooks I should have been able to carry him to term or at least much longer than I did. I'm mad that he had to be born at 29 weeks, that we couldn't hold out to 32 or even 30 weeks... I'm mad that my baby has to work so hard because of that. I'm mad that I've now watched my sweet Greyson's lips go blue more times than I want to think about. I'm mad because I can't do anything but pump and even that isn't going as well this week and it did last week. I'm mad because I can't make my baby better.
And I'm scared. I'm scared about what is going to happen. About figuring out how to keep him safe when he finally does get to come home. And I am scared for my little guy. I'm scared because one second he is rosy and cherub-like in my arms and the next moment his skin is dusty and sallow because he isn't getting enough oxygen. I'm sacred that it will keep happening. I'm scared that it will cause him problems down the road. I am so, so scared of losing him. I know that he is doing so much better than he was 23 days ago, but I don't think I've let out how scared for him I've been. I kept trying to only look at the positives, but really in the back of my head I've been so scared - bone scared.
Scared, sad and angry.
2 comments:
Morgan, I know exactly how you feel right now. I was serious when I said to call me any time. Being a mom to a preemie is the most difficult thing a woman can go through and reading your post today brought me right back to where I was when Ella was born. I know it's just words, but it does get better.
Ella had all of the same problems that your little man has had and reading what your going through is so similar to what we went through with Ella. Ella was in the NICU 26 days and she was only 6 weeks preterm. She is now the bounciest, noisiest, strongest little 3 1/2 year old.
I know it doesn't make it feel any better, but if you ever want to talk, please call or email. I'm still on bed rest and up all hours, so feel free, please, to call whenever.
I saw a link to your blog on babycenter and reading this entry really touched my heart. This is where I was 2 days ago. My twins were born at 27 weeks on April 16, 2009 and have been in the hospital for over 8 weeks now. We were are at the end and it seems like the maybe they'll be home, maybe they won't was going to kill us...but yesterday my son got to come home.
It was the second happiest and second saddest day of my life though. Yesterday leaving my daughter was so hard. It's hard to be happy when I know she's still there and now I'll have even less time to visit her. So I guess it's just bittersweet.
Thank you for sharing your experience it just really touched my heart today in a way I think only a story from another preemie mom can. I experienced a lot of the same things as you and seeing your son happy and healthy gives me hope.
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