I like to think I'm fairly level-headed emotionally. I know this isn't always the case, heck there were whole years where I was an emotional mess, prone to weeping and outbursts of frustration. And 2008 was kind of a messy year emotionally. Yeah, lots of weeping and unbalancedness there. But lately I've felt very...stable.
Until now. Now I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed and while I've been trying to keep it all together it's time to let it out.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant with MayBaby I've wanted 2 things. 1) for her to be healthy and full term. This is THE #1 most important thing. 2) I wanted to VBAC, drug-free.
Why is that so important to me? I know that having a VBAC or a c-section doens't impact the way I mother my children. It doesn't make me more or less of a woman. But it does matter to me. I want this, I need this. I want to heal from the trauma of Greyson's birth and I've put a lot of stock into MayBaby's birth helping me through this. G's birth was so medical, so out of my hands, heck I wasn't even conscious for it. One moment I was pregnant and when I woke up I wasn't and 3 days later I held my child. I NEED for that not to happen again. And I know it won't, but this looming induction has made me relive that. The idea of checking into the same hospital and having my birth taken over my medical proceedures is so overwhelming to me. It scares me. Because one intervention leads to another and I can't see this going any other way than me strapped to a table and my child being cut from my body again. This time, not because our lives are at risk, but because some calendar and some clock says "now is the time for baby to be born". What if she really isn't ready? What if she just needs a day or two more and we take that from her? I know that it won't be as bad as it was with Greyson, I know that she is full-term now. But still that "what if" is killing me. I just want her to have the chance to come when SHE wants too. I want her to pick her birthdate. I don't want it picked for her.
It also matters to me because in 25 to 30 years when my daughter is getting ready to have her own kids I was want to be able able to tell her "You can do this. I did this. I had you. I did it without drugs, I let you come when you where ready. You can do this too. You don't have to be afraid, because you are strong and beautiful and if I could do it then you can too." I've heard this from my mom and my mother-in-law and honestly it has been such a gift. Knowing that these two wonderful women have given birth naturally has bolstered me up for months. I want to be able to give that gift back to my daughter. I want this for her as much as I want this for me - maybe more.
And then there is the guilt. I feel so bad that I couldn't give Greyson a full-term pregnancy. That he had to be born so early and fight so hard. It isn't fair. Why is my body so good at keeping MayBaby safe inside and so horrible at it for Greyson? I know that I had placenta previa and it was a fluke and it wasn't my fault, but I do keep thinking back and wondering if we had just waited longer after losing our first pregnancy and having a D&C - if things would have been different. And then I feel bad for thinking that, because then we wouldn't have Greyson. Yes, we would have a child and maybe we would have even named him Greyson, but it wouldn't be him. It wouldn't be my wonderful son who makes me smile every day. Who I love so completely.
Which brings me to the next point of guilt. Bringing another baby home. We are about to rock Greyson's world and I can't help by feel bad about that to some point. Going from a family of three to a family of four...sharing my love and time. A good friend told me today "I promise your time and love will grow. It's hard to imagine but it really does work and you will love G even more." I'm taking comfort in that. But I'm still a little nervous.
And now my deepest truth. My fears of the induction etc. has completely clouded my view of everything else. I feel so detached from MayBaby right now. I can no longer imagine what it will be like to hold her, to see her, to bring her to my chest for the first time. Even now I feel her kick and it's not the same as it was. I don't even know how to explain it - but I've detached myself and I don't want to. Everyone around me is so excited about Friday. We will be meeting our daughter on Friday, shouldn't I be jumping for joy? Instead all I have is dread for everything that will lead up to her actually arriving and it's clouding everything else.
I'm sad. I'm scared and then I feel like a schmuck for feeling like this because there is so much good. So much that I am thankful for. Why can't that be enough for me?
2 comments:
Just wanted to say that I love you, Morgan! This is such an odd time...delicate and strong, excited and scared. I, and I'm sure lots of others, will and are thinking of you and your family in the upcoming days. I probably can't alleviate fears or feelings of guilt, but please know you are loved and supported, no matter what the feelings! I'll give you all a few weeks after May Baby's birth until I request a visit, but in the mean time, if you ever need to talk, cry, commiserate, whatever...you can always call or message me! Take care.
Hi, Morgan--It's Bethany from the chiro office. I love your blog!
I understand how your first birth (and losses before that) can overwhelm your upcoming birth. I lost a babybefore my son was born and had to have a D and E--they say that's what triggered my placenta previa, and therefore my c-section. I too wanted to give my daughter gift of a natural, healthy birth, and wanted to groan with her when she labors. All the women in my family have had medical births, all the way back to the 1920's, and I wanted to break the mold.
Even though I ended up with a CBAC, I felt very satisfied after my daughter's birth. I labored the way *I* wanted to labor--I drank and ate (Elizabeth brought me like 30 Luna bars), I refused to wear the gown and wore an old skirt I loved, and I moved around however I wanted. When interventions were suggested, I talked them over with my doulas and husband and consulted my own wisdom. Only when I felt ready for the pitocin or the epidural, did I agree. And when I finally reached the second stage--pushing!--I knew at last my body could do it. Having a c-section for fetal distress is different than having one for failure to progress, let me tell you! My daughter also made it easy by making her distress super dramatic--so it wasn't a gray area :)
You are a strong and beautiful momma for wanting to give your daughter such a gift. Remember that.
Post a Comment