When I was pregnant with Greyson we planned for a non-medicated, mid-wife assisted birth. Sadly the same day I met my mid-wife I was rush by ambulance to the hospital due to bleeding that was diagnosed as placenta previa and would stay at the hospital until Greyson was born - via "close to emergency" c-section when I bled out for the 4th time which sparked labor that the magnesium couldn't stop. I was completely out for his birth. Neither Michael nor I were present for the birth of our child. We had a baby, but no birth.
I know that is was 100% necessary, but I still feel like I missed out.
These photo were the first way I "saw" my son. On the screen of my father-in-law's digital camera. I'm so thankful the nurse took these photos because it was the only thing that kept me going for those first 12 hours before I could see my son - when I felt so empty and alone without him.
I didn't get that joy that mothers should feel. In fact the next 52 days were filled with fear, terror and the feeling that nothing was in my control. I didn't have the immediate bond with my child, but thanks to LOTS of skin on skin kangaroo care we found our bond. Greyson was almost a month old before I but him to breast for the first time and it took until he was 4 months old before we really got the hang of breastfeeding. There was no breast crawl for us. Only sheer-minded determination on my part.
I have a beautiful, now wonderfully healthy son. I have a baby, but I didn't have a birth.
Nearly two years later I'm still mourning that loss. The loss of birth.
I'm even more determined that I will have a VBAC next time. I know that my body can do this if it is only given the chance. I'm starting my Kegals and squating now - and NO, I'm not pregnant, nor is it even in the near future. But it's never too early to start getting my body in the best shape it came be, so next time I'll have a baby and a birth.
1 comment:
I'm trying to start this too. I managed to get in some exercise twice this week which is better than I've done in months. You are an amazing mother, and your next LO will totally be lucky to have you...some day!!!
I'm sorry that you are still mourning Greyson's birth. I through a long time ago about this and realized that grieving this is healthy and part of the healing process. I don't know if we ever get over it (and everyone grieves differently) but I think having moments to remember and grieve is ok. Just my opinion!
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