Spells

Here in the NICU they call Apnea episodes "Spells". I think it is their way of trying to play down the seriousness of this issue for the frightened parents. I am one of those frightened parents.

Greyson's room is right across from the main door in the NICU which means that I can peek in at him prior to scrubbing in. Today when I peeked in they were getting ready to draw labs and told me to wait in the parents room (which is where I am now). They said he is having more spells so they are going to draw labs to see what is going on. They started him on Caffeine yesterday (the common treatment for "spells") but it doesn't seem to be working yet and he is having more of them.

I hate these spells. They freak me out so much. Just the thought of my little man not breathing hurts my heart.

UPDATE: Tonight while I was holding him he had another big "spell". He was sleeping in my arms and then I noticed his lips looked bluish. I asked Michael "what are his stats?" just as all the alarms went off. His oxygen saturation levels has dropped from the mid 90's to 50's in just a few seconds. Then he hung out in the 70's for what seemed like forever. It is just so hard. He came back and after they gave him some more caffeine he seemed to do better, but he still kept having drops. I hated to leave tonight, but at that same time I was having trouble holding it together. I was crying a little bit but holding back a tidal wave of tears. Plus I was so exhausted I didn't know what to do.

Even though I know that Greyson is doing really well considering he should still be safly tucked in my womb for another 2 months, I am still scared every minute of every day. Michael was saying how he was more afraid when I was in the hospital and we didn't really know what was going to happen next. But I am way more afraid now. Then I could feel him move around - I could rub my belly and feel him kick. He was with me 24hours a day and I could keep him safe. But know it is in someone elses hands and while the doctors and nurses are the wonderful, it is not the same.